Saturday, March 7, 2009

Getting through the rough days...

I have been having a lot of negative thoughts these past several days.  I just can't even wrap my mind around being pregnant("I can't conceive conception"), but I also can't imagine not ever getting to experience that.  I have just been so consumed with fear and negative thoughts.  It is so hard because I just know that I am meant to be a mom...I want to be a mom...I need to be a mom.  I have dreamt of being a mom since I was 2 years old.  But the thought of it never happening is all consuming.  I feel like in past cycles I've been able to overcome these thoughts...knowing that if it doesn't happen this time, that's will happen!  Not this time..I just can't kick these thoughts.

Yesterday I was at work having these thoughts, as I was snuggling up with a former 23 week baby now term and doing great, and that fear just started coming over me.  I have had a bible verse that I have came back to time and time again, but usually when I start getting consumed like that I just let it overtake me.  Yesterday I decided, NO, I am not going to let this happen! I started quoting scripture in my head.  "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  "He is able to do immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:20.   "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:6-9.  I know that I don't know what God's plans are for me, but I know that they are perfect and that I just have to trust in that.  I mean who doesn't want perfect plans??

Well a few hours later, I realized that I hadn't had any negative feelings trying to overtake me and actually I hadn't even thought about anything IF.  And at that moment when I was stopping to think about it, I wasn't having all-consuming negative feelings!  The power of the living Word is...well.....POWERFUL!!  I feel that satan was attacking me and I took him down with scripture!  HA!  Take that you meanie!!!  I found my strength in God and it worked!!  Imagine that;).

So I know that I am not done struggling with satan(I have already had some negative fearful thoughts this morning) but I know with God that I can overcome him, because God already has!


Alex and Jill said...

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2Tim 1:7.

You're exactly right...that consuming fear is not from God, it's directly from the enemy. Satan would love nothing more than for all of us living with IF, to just lay paralyzed, unable to give God the glory for something so painful. It's something we all fight on a daily basis and you did exactly what God wants, which is hide His words in your heart, so that the devil doesn't win. I'm so proud of you, girl and even more importantly, God is proud of you! As hard as it is...God wants us to praise Him, even in the pain.

I'm covering you in prayer, daily.


A and B said...

Hey you! I am so GLAD that you have started your blog! Now we can keep each other up to date online when we don't see each other at work! When I see you, I need to update you! When are back at work? I want to talk to you before you leave for vacation!

G & H said...

YOu are so right and dont you love how God reminds us of scripture in our time of need? Today has been such a down negative day for me but the Lord just keeps reminding me that he will fulfill the desires of my heart and to trust in HIM with ALL of my heart not just part ;)

I think tomorrow will be a pretty emotional day at church for me

The Patterson's said...

Just checking in with you...I know what you mean on the negative thoughts. I have made a list of bible verses that help me and the couple you mentioned in your post are definitely on there!

I think we have the same doctor? Maybe we already realized that.