I will choose to trust

"Delay never thwarts God's purposes, it only polishes His instruments"

This journey can be so hard at times...well MOST of the time.  But I can honestly look back on the last 2 years and although I wouldn't want to do them over again, I am thankful for them.  I know that God is doing a great work in my life.  I know that I am being refined("polished") and I know that this is good!  It is so painful to be "broken", but I believe God has to bring us to a point sometimes where there is nothing else that we can control.....nothing else to hold onto except Him, so that he can refine us...polish us.  I am human and everyday, hour, sometimes minute is different, but I choose to trust God for His plan for my life.  He can see the big picture and He has a perfect plan and it is good!  I know that tomorrow I might be like "but God I really think it would be good if I got pregnant this cycle."  I might try to give God some advice(LOL)...but after every failed cycle, every tearful day, etc...I will come back to the truth that God has plans to prosper me and not harm me....plans to give me hope and a future.  God has a plan so much bigger than I could ever imagine and I am thankful for that!

A Shout out.....

I just wanted to give a little "shout out" to one of the awesomest people I know!:)  I have been going to a Christian Counselor(I like to call her "my Mary"(hope you don't mind that I refer to you as mine, Mary!  LOL!)) off and on for about 4 years.  I started going to her when I was battling depression and since then anytime I really need to talk and sort all my thoughts and feelings out I go and talk to her.  I started going to see her again when I decided infertility was trying to get the best of me.  And she is just an amazing woman!  I am so comfortable and "safe" when I am there talking to her.  I can say anything I am feeling.  I can cry.  I can tell her the mean thoughts that I am having.  I can get angry and I never feel judged.  She just really makes me feel like she cares about what I am going through and at the same time asks me (sometimes) tough questions and helps me sort out all of those crazy thoughts up there.  I just believe that God is using her to help people and she is really living up to the job!  She is a woman with so much faith.  She is so caring and like I said....the awesomest!!!!  She is also getting ready to run the Boston Marathon with her dad for his 80th birthday!!  If that's not awesome, I don't know what is!  Go Mary!!!  Thank you so much, Mary, for all you have done for me!

Appt with Dr J.

Update.....

The first appointment available with Dr. J is May 7th.  So it looks like we will be trying for a few cycles on our own.  Which is not a bad thing.  It gives us time to save money and continue praying for guidance.  But TTC on your own after two years is also not really a fun thing.  It can be pretty stressful.  Sometimes more stressful than going through IF treatments.  So please pray for us during this time.  I am hoping that God's plan is to bless us with our little miracle before then!  Wouldn't that be awesome!  I can't wait to hold our newborn baby in my arms like this...

Cruising and Baby stuff

Us, our friends Nick and Staci, and waiters, Rohan and Sivakumar

Rob snorkeling in Barbados...i wanna go back there!

Snorkeling in Barbados..my favorite place

me and Staci getting ready to do the macarena at dinner one night!

In St. Lucia w/our ship in the background

I love this pic of Rob. This is in St. Martin at the beach

Rob having a little cup a joe with dessert:)

Enjoying my first Margarita on the ship!

Beautiful water in St. Lucia

So as you can see, we had lots of fun on the cruise!  We had beautiful weather and stopped at lots of great islands(St. Thomas, St. Martin, Antigua, St. Lucia, and Barbados)!  I needed that sunshine so bad!!  Although to look at me you would have no idea that I have been in the Caribbean for a week.  I used SPF 70...i burn easily;).  My favorite thing we did was snorkeling with the sea turtles in Barbados!  The water was beautiful.  We also got to go to a beach there and we want to go back and just stay there for a few days sometime.(hopefully not for a couple of years because we hope to be tied up with our little one soon!)  Overall it was a relaxing and very needed get away.  We were also glad to come home to beautiful spring weather her in Indiana!  Praise God for Spring...it's my favorite!

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And on to baby stuff....   Even though vacation was relaxing and a great time, there was no forgetting about TTC.   I was not really stressed about it but I thought about it a lot and prayed for all of my TTC buddies a lot!  (BTW, Congrats to the Averitts on their BFP after their 3 year TTC journey!!!)  There is just truly no escaping it when your in it.  We have been talking a lot about what comes next for us over the last week or so.  We had kinda decided that we would try for a few months on our own and then go on to IVF.  Our chances of getting pregnant w/IUI is really not that great and we would rather take a break from that and save the money we would be paying for that, for IVF.  Dr. J left me a message while we were gone.  He was just checking on us and said to call and schedule an appt so we can talk about whats next.  I think he is  probably thinking IVF too.  So I just wanna ask for lots of prayer for direction in this.  Our insurance doesn't cover anything so IVF will be about 13-14,000 dollars outta pocket(for one cycle)...and we don't have that much money in our pockets:).  But we are blessed with good jobs and we could manage with some lifestyle changes...like no more vacations for a while and  a lot less eating out.  So not too big of a deal and way way worth it!!  Our chances of getting pregnant would be in the 60% range, but I know that God's in control and if this isn't His will then it is a 0% chance.  We also have prayed about IVF in the last few months and have felt led not to freeze any embryos, which decreases our chances to a little less than 50%.  But like I said I know that God is in control, so I am not that worried about percentages.  Because we don't want to freeze any embryos, Dr J. told us what he does is take the best 3 eggs from retrieval and attempts to fertilize them(with Rob's sperm of course..LOL).  Statistically two would fertilize and he would transfer what ever progressed but we run the "risk" of all three fertilizing(poss. triplets) or none of them fertilizing and having a $14,000 bill and no baby.  I am willing to take that "risk".  God is in control and will lead us where He wants us to go, but it is still scary.  The thing that scares me the most is that my desire to be a mom will drown out God's leading.  So please pray for God to lead us down the path of His will and to not let us get in the way.

There will be a day with no more tears...

These words have unfortunately become far too common in my life....

So today was the big testing date.  I really have known in my heart since Monday that I wasn't pregnant.  So I had already grieved a bit.  But still...seeing those words and then having to hear the nurse say, "I'm sorry Lindsey.  Your test was negative." is just hard to deal with.  I just wanted to cry.  So that's what I did while driving down I65.  I barely held it in until I could get off of the phone.  For some reason I want to act like I am so OK with it to the nurse.  I don't know why.  She knows that I am upset.

I feel like God has really blessed me with being able to find out the results of the cycle on this date.  We are leaving for San Juan tomorrow to go on a cruise and I feel like it will just be a relaxing, carefree vacation.  I won't have to wonder if I am pregnant and be consumed with that the whole time.  I can just forget about it and have fun!

The song that is playing right now on the blog is a song I turned on today(not really thinking about what it was about, just that I hadn't listened to it for awhile) and God just spoke to me and I cried and cried and just thanked God for loving me so much and never leaving my side even though sometimes it is hard to feel Him there.  I  know the song is about heaven and when we get there, there will be no more pain or tears, etc.  But I truly believe that on this side of heaven there will be a day of no more tears for all of us on this road of Infertility.  God will eventually bring us to the place where He wants us and I know there will be peace there...wherever that might be.  Listen to this song and the words.  You can start it over if you haven't been paying attention to it:).

Thanks for all of the prayers and comments!  I love you all!  I won't be on here for a little over a week because I will be on my cruise, but I will "see" you all when I get back!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Struggling

Today had to be one of the hardest days for me during the whole TTC process for some reason.  I just have that "feeling" that I am not pregnant.  I don't know why it feels so much harder this time, but if you read this I would love to have some prayer for peace and trusting God's perfect plans.  Thanks girls!

Getting through the rough days...

I have been having a lot of negative thoughts these past several days.  I just can't even wrap my mind around being pregnant("I can't conceive conception"), but I also can't imagine not ever getting to experience that.  I have just been so consumed with fear and negative thoughts.  It is so hard because I just know that I am meant to be a mom...I want to be a mom...I need to be a mom.  I have dreamt of being a mom since I was 2 years old.  But the thought of it never happening is all consuming.  I feel like in past cycles I've been able to overcome these thoughts...knowing that if it doesn't happen this time, that's ok...it will happen!  Not this time..I just can't kick these thoughts.

Yesterday I was at work having these thoughts, as I was snuggling up with a former 23 week baby now term and doing great, and that fear just started coming over me.  I have had a bible verse that I have came back to time and time again, but usually when I start getting consumed like that I just let it overtake me.  Yesterday I decided, NO, I am not going to let this happen! I started quoting scripture in my head.  "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.  "He is able to do immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine." Ephesians 3:20.   "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:6-9.  I know that I don't know what God's plans are for me, but I know that they are perfect and that I just have to trust in that.  I mean who doesn't want perfect plans??

Well a few hours later, I realized that I hadn't had any negative feelings trying to overtake me and actually I hadn't even thought about anything IF.  And at that moment when I was stopping to think about it, I wasn't having all-consuming negative feelings!  The power of the living Word is...well.....POWERFUL!!  I feel that satan was attacking me and I took him down with scripture!  HA!  Take that you meanie!!!  I found my strength in God and it worked!!  Imagine that;).

So I know that I am not done struggling with satan(I have already had some negative fearful thoughts this morning) but I know with God that I can overcome him, because God already has!

Infertility Timeline

Here is a little timeline of our TTC journey so far.....

August 2006-We got Married!!

April 2007-we are both on board!!  Let's have a baby!!!

May 2008-Ok..maybe something is wrong.  OB started me on Femara because my cycles were short and she thought this would be just what I needed.

August 2008- 3 months of Femara and 3 BFN.  Referred to an RE...DR J.  We love him from the very beginning!  We definitely know God has blessed us with this Dr.

September 2008-First appt. with Dr. J.  All of my labs seem to be normal but cycles are still short.  He thinks we just might need to add some extra stims to the Femara

October 2008-CD2-6 5mg Femara;  CD 7-9 75iu of Bravelle;  CD 10 2 mature follies!;  IUI#1 BFN

December 2008-same protocol; 2 mature follies!  IUI #2 BFN

February 2009-Decide to do a lap even though I have NO signs of Endometriosis.  We know God led us down this path.  Significant Endometriosis!! Dr. J cauterizes it all!  We feel like we have a fresh start!

Feb2009-Mar2009-We decided to do another IUI w/same protocol as before.  CD 10 3 mature follies!!  IUI #3; Beta HCG will be drawn on March 12th(the day before we leave on a cruise)....

My First Post...

Well I have been contemplating starting a blog about my husband and I's journey to conceive for quite a while.  I have been reading several infertility blogs for some time now.  Mostly I have just been a "lurker" but have posted a few comments here and there:).  I just have been so encouraged by other blogs along this journey and it has been so nice to find others who are feeling the same things that I am feeling.  It is nice to know that we are not alone even though it can feel like the loneliest journey at times.  So I am hoping to get connected to people through this blog and hopefully be able to encourage some people along the way too!  I am excited to get started!!